Dating again after divorce
Dating after divorce
I am going to assume that you have already gone through a divorce if you were married, and that you have gone through the grief cycle and you feel ready to move on and find love again.
During a divorce and years following it can be a very confusing, and lonely time depending on who instigated the breakup and whether you have children and how traumatic and adversarial the breakup may have been. Many can be drawn destructive behaviours such as too much alcohol and drugs or participating in unhealthy sexual relations amongst other things in order to feel better. This must be avoided.
The root cause of this is loneliness and feelings of not having a direction in life. I remember in my own divorce I used to describe it as being a rudderless boat that sailed off in many directions as I came to terms with my new life. This is because I thought I had lost my why. The answer was that though it is not the same as before I still had my children I still needed to show up as the best version of me. It is essential that you deal with these feelings and rediscover your new “Why” and move ahead positively before you consider a serious relationship.
How much time you have got for dating will be dependent on many things like whether you have children. You may have 50-50 custody, or you could have the children every other weekend. This could be a problem when you were younger, but we are older now and many of the people will also have children and commitments so most will understand and work around it, but lets not worry about this now.
There really has been a world of opportunities open to you now. In the time you don’t have your children, you can travel, date anyone you want, learn a new language and work of self-improvement and your confidence and a huge component of this is to improve your skills in dating and self-worth.
I know in an ideal world we would want our kids in our life all the time but if we look at the positive aspect of this, then we have been given a huge opportunity to find the life and a relationship that truly is amazing and one that we dreamed of for years. Change is hard but it’s also very exciting.
Tips
- Don’t think about marriage for now. Think of it as a journey of self-discovery and a time of reinventing yourself. This will help with your confidence and relearning the new rules around dating as an older person.
- Make three lists. The following lists will help you qualify partners and disqualify them thus avoiding wasting time. Its important during early interactions to vet them.
- Deal breakers, these are things that you do not want in a new relationship. This will enable you to avoid wasting time on unsuitable matches. For example, you may not want to date a smoker or even a meat eater, everyone is different.
- List of the things you need from potential partners, for example you may need a partner who is emotionally intelligent and is not overly needy or even that they must not have kids. These are non negotiables and are different for everyone.
- List of wants or nice to haves. These are things that are negotiables for example must enjoy the going to the gym, this may be okay if they also like to go running. These are things that would be nice but its okay if they do not tick every box.
- It can be easy to be seduced at this time, but do not rush into something from a position of neediness, take your time. If you use internet dating apps, there is an abundance of suitable matches out there, do not idealise the first person who shows interest in you. Talk with many and find out what works best as this is probably very new to you.
- Don’t date if you feel lonely or still have anger towards your ex and think all women or men are the same. It’s quite natural to feel this way, rest assured they are not all like that. Be open to get to know them, go into each date with an open mind.
- Make sure you are through the stages of grief. Healing is at the end of going through hell and you realise that this is not the end, and a happy future is possible, start thinking about what you want and how great it could be, start designing that future.
- Make sure you are comfortable being alone. Avoiding this you can make bad decisions. Learn to be okay being alone first and that you want someone to compliment your life and not be the centre of it. You don’t need a significant other, you want one that compliments your life.
- Let go of your ex, forgive them, accept the apology you never received. Look at what failed on your last relationship, what was good and what was bad. It is normal that we romanticise our previous relationship but there was probably a lot wrong with it. Remember the bad times and count yourself lucky that at least you can now create a happier life now with someone who is better for you.
- Most of all enjoy dating and do not take it so seriously, have fun on dates.
- Have an abundance mindset, there are millions of potential matches and many of those could make great partners.
- Get out there in the real world strike up conversations get comfortable talking to people, it does wonders for your confidence.
How I can help you.
I can help both men and women who are thinking of starting to date again. My speciality is helping men achieve the best results from dating online and in person and helping them get their confidence back.
We can work together to work out a strategy that works for you. You may want to spin some plates and have multiple dates ongoing, you may want to date across the world or you may want to find that special someone, its totally up to you, you get to choose how you live your life from now on.
I can help you set up your dating profile and give you strategies for getting results and other help you become the person that you want to be. This maybe joining a gym, losing weight and getting a whole new wardrobe in a style that suits you and become the confident person you truly are.
Book a free call today to see how coaching can help you get your confidence back and hopefully find a partner that is an amazing complement to your life.
