A Message Of Hope To Estranged Fathers

There is light at the end of the tunnel

As many of you know, I went through a divorce back in 2014. Briefly, what happened is that my ex-wife loaded up a van and took my children to live 80 miles away in Kent/London. I had moved out a few months before but not in a million years did I expect her to uproot the children to move to a not so nice part of Southeast London and enlist them in failing schools. They both had places at a top 5% school in the country.

A part of my coaching practice has always been, if you have children is to always put your children at the centre of everything you do. Separation and divorce are difficult but if you add to this a new area, new substandard schools, cut off from their friends and family, then you are not doing what’s best for the children. What happened in my situation is that my kids went from top 5% schools in Hertfordshire to bottom 5% schools in London just because her brother needed help with their father and she could live rent free, I was paying for everything anyway, her way was not the only way.

Secondly, it is natural for families to become invested and want the best for their son or daughter and this may not necessarily what’s best for your children. I would speak with them but look out for your own children like your family might be looking out for you. Families can destroy any possibility of an amicable situation with the other parent. You are going to have to make many life decisions together and attend functions and indeed share grandchildren in the future. I have seen families destroy any possibility of being able to co parent just because families give terrible advice. The takeaway here is do not take advice from those that are emotionally invested in your relationship.

In 2014 they moved from Hertfordshire whilst I was away in Canada, I had a text message, saying, that she has emptied the house and they have moved to Kent. I now know that she had not told the children anything until the day before they left.

I was heartbroken, everything I had done up until that point was for my family, including the house I bought in order to get into the best schools. I now had no say in anything to do with my children and their schooling. In addition to this, both my daughters played hockey this also went by the wayside, being from a sporting family and understanding how sports is so important for young people today, it was very upsetting as they now can only attend training every other weekend. So no more sports, in fact everything stopped when they were in Kent.

Over the years after this, I picked myself up, I took various contracts in the pharmaceutical industry across Europe. I had been given no other option but to become a every other weekend so i now had ten days between seeing my kids, I flew back every weekend to spend with my daughters and I am proud to say that I never missed a weekend with them and maintained the relationship regardless of anything else, I had to put them first as I know how damaging a divorce can be.

My eldest now 20 years old is working in local government and living with her mum, but my youngest daughter now 16 has come to back to live with me to attend college here. She has been saying she will be coming for a long time, but I was cautious as my eldest had said she was coming at 16 but backed out last minute, and I thought this could also be scuppered at the last hurdle, but it’s happened. This week she started college here in Hertfordshire, and I dropped her off on her first day and picked her up again. It was a pleasure to be a part of her new journey in Hertfordshire. She is home at last and she is studying sport. I am so incredibly proud of her as I am of my eldest daughter currently making a difference in local government.

I am so proud of her and happy that she is with me, and I can now make a more positive impact on her life. She is an amazing girl, and she will be fulfilling her potential. Also, being from a sporting family, it’s great that she is studying sports.

I titled this article as a message of hope for estranged fathers, this is because I kept hope and if you keep your relationship with your children and ignore the difficulties your ex can make and rise above them so that you can be a positive role model in their lives, they will come back, if that is what you want.

I mentioned earlier that I received a text from my ex informing me that they have moved to Kent, well on that journey home I met a man at the bar in Montreal airport, I told this stranger my story, he had been through a divorce too. He told me he had four children his ex-wife moved back to USA and the older children wanted to stay in UK, so the ex-wife took the youngest with her and now she is coming back to him in the UK.

I will never forget this man and whether he knows what impact he had on me and my own divorce journey. He told me to be present in the children’s lives and always maintain contact and relationships with the kids because eventually they will come back to you. Today this has happened, and I will be eternally grateful to this man, if you are reading this, I have kept the hope that one day this may happen, thank you from the bottom of my heart.

This weekend is my birthday and both girls are going to spend it with me. Never lose hope, keep going and they will come back. We all lose our children at some point as they go off to University or indeed get married, it just happened sooner to some us and nothing can replace those lost years of being in their lives every day, but we have the rest of our lives.

Be nice to all you meet, you never know what they are going though and how you could change their lives, that stranger changed my life.