Domestic abuse is a huge problem in relationships. If you look at the media and particularly social media, you will be excused for thinking that men are the bad guys and women are the good guys. We don’t hear much from male victims, amongst peers it is rare for men to recount stories of an abusive partner, women on the other hand are more comfortable talking about it. We men do not report it talk about it because of shame associated with looking weak.

Having spoken to many men and women in my coaching business and generally I have found that men are abused just as much albeit in different ways, more commonly, but not only, psychological and emotional abuse but also all other types of abuse. There is a whole side of the story that is not spoken about, that is of domestic abuse where the men are the victims.

There are a number of ways abuse is manifested.

Domestic abuse is a pattern of behaviour that involves the use of physical, sexual, emotional, or financial abuse to control or manipulate an intimate partner. According to Mankind (https://mankind.org.uk/), domestic abuse can include, but is not limited to, the following types of abuse:

• Physical abuse: This includes hitting, slapping, punching, kicking, choking, or using weapons to cause harm.
• Sexual abuse: This includes any unwanted sexual activity or behavior.
• Psychological or emotional abuse: This includes verbal abuse, threats, intimidation, humiliation, and isolation.
• Financial or economic abuse: This includes controlling access to money and other resources.

Abusive relationships are often mutually abusive, in that they are abusing each other. Physical abuse is widely cited as the main form of abuse that men perpetuate on women, all violence is abhorrent. We don’t talk about emotional and psychological abuse a man can suffer in relationships. What led up to the violence? When men that have no history of any violent behaviour suddenly are violent, we need to look at why, even though once you do hit out, you have already crossed the line one must not cross.

There is never an excuse for violence, but not everyone is the same, we are human we can lose our temper and hit out. I am in no way making excuses but speaking about the reality in society today.

We tend to believe women if they say they were abused. In a scenario where she may have been hitting her partner and he was defending himself, if he puts up a hand and she gets a scratch on her, it’s the man that will be in trouble and we know how these ends.

If as a man you are being hit or having things thrown at you, get out of that relationship straight away. Goes without saying but if you are a woman facing violence for whatever reason, get out.

According to the Office for National Statistics, one in three victims of domestic abuse are male, equating to 699,000 men in 2021 – 2022. However, male victims of domestic abuse are less likely to report their experiences or seek help than female victims. There’s a number of reasons for this, the main one will be shame and that society just is not set up to help with male victims of domestic abuse and there is nowhere for men to have this conversation.

According to a study conducted by Strauss and Sweet, women in romantic relationships were equally as likely to be verbally aggressive as men in relationships. Further, Majdan found that women reported perpetrating more physical and psychological aggression compared to what they reported experiencing.

Today the definition of domestic abuse has been widened and it now includes coercive control. Coercive control can be perpetrated on men and women equally.

Coercive control is a form of psychological abuse that involves a pattern of controlling and manipulative behaviours. Here are some examples of coercive control:

• Isolating you from your friends and family
• Monitoring your activity throughout the day
• Denying you freedom and autonomy
• Gaslighting you to make you doubt your reality
• Name-calling or putting you down repeatedly
• Controlling how much money you have and how you spend it
• Reinforcing gender roles or stereotypes
• Manipulating your children or pets
• Controlling your body or appearance
• Jealousy or accusations of infidelity
• Sexual coercion or violence
• Making threats to harm you or others

We all know that one friend who is not allowed out with his friends for Friday drinks, and we have all heard a man say I must ask the wife before he can give a definitive answer and then later tell you they cant come. We all have heard men say happy wife happy life. That last sentence is worrying as it seems he is putting his partners happiness before his own. If this line comes from your partner, this is an ultimatum, a warning not a humours comment.

How many men have you known that lose contact with friends and family because he doesn’t want to rock the boat at home? Its very common. These same men are the same ones who suffer the most in divorces as they do not have a ready-made support network in family or friends. Never let your partner isolate you from friends and family, this is abuse.

Will men recognise this as abuse? NO, probably not as there is not much education specifically aimed at men. There is a whole industry and domestic abuse charities that educate and deal with women victims of abuse.

Women are being educated on domestic abuse. I have worked with clients that have come to me via domestic abuse charities and they have all the buzz words, financial control, coercive control and so on, its like they have been coached on what to say. There is almost nothing for men and that they don’t often look for help, they just are not aware what they experienced was abuse, they just blame themselves, often with disastrous results.

Coercive control is open it up to interpretation. Lots of innocent behaviours in a relationship can easily be twisted and embellished into something more sinister and in a divorce this can easily be weaponised by unscrupulous lawyers.

An example one of my clients faced was accusations of coercive control. His soon to be ex-wife had a spending habit and had racked up thousands of pounds in credit card debt. She was spending more than they earned, so something needed to be done. He took away her credit card and then gave her a payment card that limits the amount she can spend monthly. She is now accusing him of financial control, even though what he did was the best thing for the family as the debts were causing additional pressures and arguments. When this goes to court it does not look good for him. All the court hears is that he was financially controlling her.

If you look down that list of examples of coercive control above, have a little think how innocent things can fit nicely into one of these categories and weaponised in divorce court.

What is the answer to all this? I am not sure, but violence should never be accepted or tolerated it is totally unacceptable regardless whether the perpetrator is male or female. All forms of abuse are terrible and should not be tolerated.

Choose who you partner up with wisely, this is the single most important decision you can make in your life and most of your happiness and success in life relies on this.

If you need support either with a divorce or how to choose the right partner. Then get in touch by email: mick@rebirthdivorcecoach.com or via the contact form on www.rebirthdivorcecoach.com

 

If you or someone you know is a male victim of domestic abuse, there are organizations that can provide support. The ManKind Initiative is a UK-based charity that provides confidential helpline services for male victims of domestic abuse. You can also contact the Men’s Advice Line for confidential advice and support.

Links below

ManKind Initiative – Supporting Male Victims of Domestic Abuse

Domestic Abuse Helpline for Men | Men’s Advice Line UK (mensadviceline.org.uk)