After divorce, you don’t just meet people, you meet patterns. Everyone re-entering the dating world carries a story, an armour, and a wound disguised as a personality. These archetypes reveal who we attract, why we repeat patterns, and how we finally heal.
What is life like after a divorce
As we roll into the new year it is a time to take stock of what’s working in our lives and what is not. Some of us may want to do dry January (I am) others give up smoking with differing levels of success. However, the first Monday of the year is widely also termed “Divorce Monday”. You may be ready to pull that trigger but here I ask whether divorce is worth it and what its like finding love again after divorce. As a divorce coach and dating after divorce specialist, I have an insight into the divorce journey and rebuilding their lives after divorce.
An extended amount of time at home with family, as in Christmas, can cause issues and highlight your partners shortcomings, however it can and should be a time to come together. As a divorce coach that helps mainly men deal with the fallout for divorce, I hate divorce even though I rely on divorce for my business, as the grass is rarely greener on the other side, sure it can be, but it rarely is if you look at divorce statistics that say that 2nd and 3rd marriage are incrementally more likely to fail than first marriages.
I have a bit of an insight into the post-divorce world, not only have I been divorced for nearly ten years with various relationships along the way, but I have also dated 100s of post-divorce women 40 to 50. Not only was I looking for a partner, but I was also doing research as a divorce coach and a dating after divorce coach for men. During this journey I learned a great deal about people but most of all about myself and what I wanted and did not want and that having something too serious was very scary for many years.
Not only did I study the dating scene and relationships. I also met some wonderful, albeit disillusioned divorcees and singles along the way. The other category was the never married career women, who have been struggling to find a partner after prioritising their careers and living that Sex and the city lifestyle through their 20s and 30s and beyond in some cases.
What does this all mean for the single men and women today that find themselves single after a long marriage? Well dating has changed a lot since they last dated, in the last 10 years it has changed so much and the rules have changed it seems.
The advent of dating apps such as Tinder, Hinge or bumble have made it easier to meet people but have made it harder to find real relationships. In the advent of social media and dating apps that many are looking for perfection or someone that ticks almost all your boxes and on top of that all allusive sparks.
Dating after divorce is not easy.
In the old days we would have met someone, and we would have invested time to get to know them, sure they may not be perfect, but we overlooked these things as minor, and we invested time to get to know them better, looked for the best in them and those relationships lasted longer. Today this is not the case, today we meet on apps and then you have a lovely date, and we pinpoint what was not perfect and, on the way, home another match pings up and who may be better looking and so it starts again. This paradox of choice is confusing, when we are given too much choice we fail to make a choice.
Today many of us have become perennial daters and often disgruntled with the dating scene. We look for perfection but rarely find it. Ask any woman or man about the state of the dating market and I am sure you will find out.
I have dated single mothers and those that have no children and the unhappiness in their life decisions is often plain to see. Some have expressed regret, and I can see the pain of when they speak of their ex and how he is happily married again. I think that men today are enjoying dating different women without much commitment, others have checked out of relationships entirely. This all makes it harder for women but easier for men. Women today are more highly educated and have great careers, but this makes the pool of men even smaller. Women tend to want someone in the same socio economic or higher level as themselves, these men are often in short supply.
When we were in our 20s it was the men who had to prove themselves to be worthy of commitment from the women they want, we would buy them gifts and court them in more traditional ways for them to choose us. However as older people the tables have turned somewhat. Sure, older women will get matches and dates but its usually not the type of men they want. A successful man becomes more attractive as they get older as they usually have their lives sorted and are confident and sure of themselves. The dating range for a man of 50 is anything from mid 30s to 50, most men want younger women for obvious reasons. Women of the other hand want someone who is successful and around the same age as them. You can see how that pool is a lot smaller than we imagined.
Do not mistake sexual interest with relationship interest. Many women will get validation from apps and take great pride in how they have matched with much younger men and that they have no problem dating. Now this is fine if all you want is a sexual relationship or a little fun but not if you want committed relationship as they are either not suitable partners or they just want sex. As an older man the dating market is much better than you remember but finding a perfect match is not easy. Many men give up on relationships and some don’t date but others will date just as a part of their social lives, nothing gets too serious whilst they carry on following their hobbies.
The reason for me writing about this is to say the dating market and the obvious things like coparenting and the trauma associated with divorce is sometimes not worth it. Always try and make your marriages work but only if there is not physical and emotional abuse. I am directing this last paragraph at women as 80% of divorces are initiated by women, men do walk away from marriages, but it is rare that they do so.
As a divorce and dating coach I help you navigate both your divorce and when you are ready to start dating so that you do not waste time or money pursuing something that is not suitable or jump into a toxic and damaging relationship. Its not all doom and gloom though I have met many people that have found lasting love through dating apps.
Can Men Be Victims Of Domestic Abuse?
Domestic abuse is a huge problem in relationships. If you look at the media and particularly social media, you will be excused for thinking that men are the bad guys and women are the good guys. We don’t hear much from male victims, amongst peers it is rare for men to recount stories of an abusive partner, women on the other hand are more comfortable talking about it. We men do not report it talk about it because of shame associated with looking weak.
Having spoken to many men and women in my coaching business and generally I have found that men are abused just as much albeit in different ways, more commonly, but not only, psychological and emotional abuse but also all other types of abuse. There is a whole side of the story that is not spoken about, that is of domestic abuse where the men are the victims.
There are a number of ways abuse is manifested.
Domestic abuse is a pattern of behaviour that involves the use of physical, sexual, emotional, or financial abuse to control or manipulate an intimate partner. According to Mankind (https://mankind.org.uk/), domestic abuse can include, but is not limited to, the following types of abuse:
Abusive relationships are often mutually abusive, in that they are abusing each other. Physical abuse is widely cited as the main form of abuse that men perpetuate on women, all violence is abhorrent. We don’t talk about emotional and psychological abuse a man can suffer in relationships. What led up to the violence? When men that have no history of any violent behaviour suddenly are violent, we need to look at why, even though once you do hit out, you have already crossed the line one must not cross.
There is never an excuse for violence, but not everyone is the same, we are human we can lose our temper and hit out. I am in no way making excuses but speaking about the reality in society today.
We tend to believe women if they say they were abused. In a scenario where she may have been hitting her partner and he was defending himself, if he puts up a hand and she gets a scratch on her, it’s the man that will be in trouble and we know how these ends.
If as a man you are being hit or having things thrown at you, get out of that relationship straight away. Goes without saying but if you are a woman facing violence for whatever reason, get out.
According to the Office for National Statistics, one in three victims of domestic abuse are male, equating to 699,000 men in 2021 – 2022. However, male victims of domestic abuse are less likely to report their experiences or seek help than female victims. There’s a number of reasons for this, the main one will be shame and that society just is not set up to help with male victims of domestic abuse and there is nowhere for men to have this conversation.
According to a study conducted by Strauss and Sweet, women in romantic relationships were equally as likely to be verbally aggressive as men in relationships. Further, Majdan found that women reported perpetrating more physical and psychological aggression compared to what they reported experiencing.
Today the definition of domestic abuse has been widened and it now includes coercive control. Coercive control can be perpetrated on men and women equally.
Coercive control is a form of psychological abuse that involves a pattern of controlling and manipulative behaviours. Here are some examples of coercive control:
We all know that one friend who is not allowed out with his friends for Friday drinks, and we have all heard a man say I must ask the wife before he can give a definitive answer and then later tell you they cant come. We all have heard men say happy wife happy life. That last sentence is worrying as it seems he is putting his partners happiness before his own. If this line comes from your partner, this is an ultimatum, a warning not a humours comment.
How many men have you known that lose contact with friends and family because he doesn’t want to rock the boat at home? Its very common. These same men are the same ones who suffer the most in divorces as they do not have a ready-made support network in family or friends. Never let your partner isolate you from friends and family, this is abuse.
Will men recognise this as abuse? NO, probably not as there is not much education specifically aimed at men. There is a whole industry and domestic abuse charities that educate and deal with women victims of abuse.
Women are being educated on domestic abuse. I have worked with clients that have come to me via domestic abuse charities and they have all the buzz words, financial control, coercive control and so on, its like they have been coached on what to say. There is almost nothing for men and that they don’t often look for help, they just are not aware what they experienced was abuse, they just blame themselves, often with disastrous results.
Coercive control is open it up to interpretation. Lots of innocent behaviours in a relationship can easily be twisted and embellished into something more sinister and in a divorce this can easily be weaponised by unscrupulous lawyers.
An example one of my clients faced was accusations of coercive control. His soon to be ex-wife had a spending habit and had racked up thousands of pounds in credit card debt. She was spending more than they earned, so something needed to be done. He took away her credit card and then gave her a payment card that limits the amount she can spend monthly. She is now accusing him of financial control, even though what he did was the best thing for the family as the debts were causing additional pressures and arguments. When this goes to court it does not look good for him. All the court hears is that he was financially controlling her.
If you look down that list of examples of coercive control above, have a little think how innocent things can fit nicely into one of these categories and weaponised in divorce court.
What is the answer to all this? I am not sure, but violence should never be accepted or tolerated it is totally unacceptable regardless whether the perpetrator is male or female. All forms of abuse are terrible and should not be tolerated.
Choose who you partner up with wisely, this is the single most important decision you can make in your life and most of your happiness and success in life relies on this.
If you need support either with a divorce or how to choose the right partner. Then get in touch by email: mick@rebirthdivorcecoach.com or via the contact form on www.rebirthdivorcecoach.com
If you or someone you know is a male victim of domestic abuse, there are organizations that can provide support. The ManKind Initiative is a UK-based charity that provides confidential helpline services for male victims of domestic abuse. You can also contact the Men’s Advice Line for confidential advice and support.
Links below
ManKind Initiative – Supporting Male Victims of Domestic Abuse
Domestic Abuse Helpline for Men | Men’s Advice Line UK (mensadviceline.org.uk)
As we approach the end first quarter of 2022, divorce and breakups is another pandemic that is going unnoticed and is spreading across the world, this is often devastating for the people concerned. This is not a virus that can be spread by sneezing but a epidemic born out of us keeping us and our loved ones safe and often confined in our homes.
Divorce is known to be one of the most devastating and stressful things you can go through second only to the death of a loved one, however some argue that it is worse because the repercussions can last for years especially if your divorce becomes acrimonious.
Leading law firm Stewarts reported 122% from July to October 2020 compared to the same period in 2019. Surveys conducted by Citizens Advice Bureau showed similar trends during the same period. The increased pressure of home working and schooling, as well as potential health and financial concerns may have played a role in this.
There are usually two peaks during the year when divorce enquiries spike, September after the school holidays and January after the Christmas holidays. This suggests that prolonged periods of family time can often result in relationship breakdown. These could be issues that were already there but by having to spend prolonged time together they become unavoidable especially because the amount of time they had to spend together, coupled with working from home, home schooling children and financial pressures it is enough to break the strongest amongst us.
Stowe Family Law, which polled 400 people across the country, discovered around three-quarters of couples who separated or got divorced during the Coronavirus crisis say they had no tensions before the pandemic began. The survey found the main reason couples cited for going separate ways was spending too much time together, which led to too many arguments – with almost a quarter saying this. Two in ten cited financial pressures, while the same proportion felt they had grown apart from their partner or spouse.
We are also expecting the divorce rates to increase further increase in divorce rates in 2022. The Government confirmed that the divorce law in England and Wales would be changing, with the introduction of no fault divorce in April 2022. No fault divorce is due to come into effect in England and Wales in April 2022. Presently we have to assign blame for the reason for divorce, but from April we do not have to, which may reduce the number of contested divorce and it is hoped that it will be less acrimonious.
The lockdown has been life changing for many of us, some of us broken up, divorced, some lost loved ones and others lost their jobs. Some of us are struggling to find healing and a purpose to life as what mattered to us is in tatters. I want to assure you that a better life is possible, I am a example of that. Since my divorce I have travelled and made friendships all over the world and qualified as a divorce coach and now running an international coaching business helping people all over the world.
If you are going through a breakup of any sort, a good place to start is to set up a breakup support group. The idea behind this is to ensure you have a team of people that can help support you in every area of their break-up. Just having these people identified and on your team will massively reduce their stress and overwhelm – even if you never use them. Just knowing you can get all their questions answered if needed will be a huge relief and dial down the intensity of the situation. The team members need to be carefully considered with your guidance. These are the key players needed in this team: Legal Advisor, Financial Advisor, Family and Friends, Exercise Buddy and a Coach. Most of all do not go through this alone, it’s so hard, please talk to someone.
My advice would be to avoid a divorce if you can, work on it and ensure that you have tried everything to save it, perhaps for 3 to 6 months, this way you can walk away, if you decide to do so, without regrets of making a permanent decision about something that could have been saved. This will ensure that you are making the right decision for you.
With the world opening again and with all this doom and gloom many have realised what is important to us and what’s not right with our lives has been highlighted. This can be a positive thing also. Who knows maybe the relationship was going to end anyway and the lockdown may have just hasten the end. Divorce is devastating but it is also a time to take stock and reinvent yourself. If you are going through it now then it’s a chance to design the life you deserve and the relationship you want. Divorce is not just the end it can also be the beginning, who knows it may be better than you ever thought.
If you are thinking of divorcing, going through a divorce, or indeed struggling to see a vision for your life post divorce, then get in contact.
I have had a lifelong interest in psychology. I left school at 16 and ended up working as a builders labourer. I then trained to be a bricklayer a few years later. I then decided the building industry was not for me so I enrolled at University as a mature student at age 24, to study a BSc in psychology. When thinking of what I wanted to study it was obvious, I was interested in human behaviour and the workings of the brain, I always had the feeling I was capable of more and something more fulfilling. I wanted to help people and making people’s lives better in some way.
After graduating I met my now ex-wife, we got married a year later. Life looked very different, I was excited by it. I was now a married man and began to think carefully about my future and the future of my family and how I will create a life and provide for a family. I got a job in the pharmaceutical industry and started to enjoy it, what followed was 20 years working as a freelance contractor as a clinical data manager, I worked across various blue chip pharmaceutical companies in UK and in Europe.
During my time in a contract in Germany where I was flying back every weekend to spend with the family. I spent the evenings teaching myself how to build websites and created a website devoted to my love of rugby. From this sprung a idea that a sports coaching business for children based around rugby. Little Ruggers was born. I started this business from Germany, I started with the website first as I was still learning, then actioned the business when I finished my contract.
I was ambitious for Little Ruggers as I wanted to leave the pharmaceutical industry so that I can spend more time at home with the family. Every time I grew the business, it created more work for my ex as she was the administrator of the business as well as a coach herself. I wanted to employ someone to take some of the administration away from her and help ease tensions at home, but she wanted to do everything so increasing stress on her and she added it to me as a result. This is now a huge lesson for me, if you go into a business with someone, ensure that you all are on the same page and think carefully whether working with your partner is a good idea.
In this time, I reluctantly returned to taking contracts in the pharmaceutical industry. I went back to Germany and came home at weekends for short periods and helped with the business and grew it when I was between contracts. This made me sad and very tired, though looking back I was getting away from an abusive situation where I could do nothing right. Looking back it was probably not the right thing to do but I could not take the abuse and in my mind divorce was not an option.
After 16 years of an often-turbulent marriage and two beautiful daughters, came the day that I could not take it anymore. I was going through a time of considerable growth personally and my now ex-wife was not (Grow together or grow apart). She was a difficult person that had a very turbulent upbringing and was replicating that in our own marriage, I can remember saying to myself that I am turning into her father as I felt she was treating me the same way her mother treated her father, with not too much respect.
Today it is clear to me that I was in an abusive relationship even though I may have not acknowledged it at the time or indeed recognised it. I was often coming home from work wondering what sort of mood that she was going to be in, it felt like I was coming home to take an exam that I was always going to fail. I was walking on eggshells, trying to do everything right, but somehow I could never do anything that was right. I felt unsupported and unappreciated often being called a waste of space.
I still wanted to make the relationship work often at my own detriment. When I finally left to spend a few days at my parents turned out to be forever. She became increasingly angry and got her family involved and in the coming months she had moved the children to Kent some 70 miles away and had emptied the house when I was away in Canada for a short trip.
Then ensued the letters from a very aggressive lawyer and accusations and lies regarding money and hidden assets and accusations of abuse, all false. She had emptied the bank account of the business and left to go to Kent with not only hers and the childrens possessions but everything that was mine also, though 7 years on I do not miss them, I hardly remember what I had, but they are just things. I remember thinking that it turns out that I owned nothing all along. I came back from Canada on the drive back from the airport it was the worst ever tired and wondering what I will find at my house. All I could think of was that my children have been taken away and are now going to be in schools that I have no choice in. Up until this time all I did was to get my children into the best schools in the area. I no longer had any say in anything regarding my children, I was heartbroken.
When I got back, I had to break into my own house and when I walked into my house to see it empty it was heartbreaking. I went upstairs to my daughter’s bedroom and to see it empty, I am not ashamed to admit that I fell to the floor and I broke down.
I tried to get to talk to my daughters as I was desperate to know if they are okay, I could not imagine what they must be going through. However, there was no answer a lot of the time. Now I had to get new furniture for the house and I moved in. The next heartbreak came on Monday morning of the first term of the year, and I heard the children from the school my youngest was at across the road, the eldest had a place at one of the top schools on the country in Hitchin. I was wondering how they must be feeling, are they scared, how I can make things better for them as I knew they were suffering as I have always been a good dad and we are very close even today. They are going to a new school no family no father missing their friends, it was horrible. From the day they moved to Kent, I have had no say in any major decisions.
Suddenly I had a lot of time alone and I spent it reading about divorce and other peoples experiences of divorce, I would spend twelve hours a day researching what I could do, what experiences others are going though and what was possible for me. The rest of the time I spent in the gym, swimming, and sauna where I had friends, they were a god send in this time.
I learned a great deal and immersing myself in divorce forums, it somehow made me feel a little bit better as others had not seen their kids in over a year. I knew my children were safe at least and I think I can still see them every other weekend still. Some of the experiences I read about were devastating, accusations of assault and some fathers had not seen their children for months and sometimes years, some did not even know where they were, and others had gone abroad. Mine had only gone to Kent, its only 1.5 hours away I remember thinking to myself and I felt somewhat better.
The divorce process went on, I wanted to ensure that I still got to see my daughters, my ex was concerned only with money, and I was only concerned with my daughters. I was scared that if I did anything wrong that she would stop me seeing them. So I wanted to get it in a court order. Indeed a few times I did not see my daughters every other weekend as verbally agreed.
In the beginning I had offered her what I thought was over generous in terms of a financial settlement, maybe it was the advice she got, then followed lots of lies about money and stuff used to inflame the situation. So I did what a lot of us do, that is defend my name out of principle, so we went to court twice over finances. Funny thing is that she ended up with less than I offered her if we could do it amicably. A lesson here is don’t fight battles that do not need fighting and always tell the truth it could save money and give yourself a chance of having a working relationship with your ex after all is done and dusted.
The very next day after the financial settlement my ex phoned me wanting to give me the access I was fighting for, which was the same as what we were doing informally anyway. She had insisted on taking it to court saying that I should have less time (every 3 weeks rather than 2 weeks) and bringing up abuse, that was lies. In this process she also took my daughters to be interviewed by CAFCASS, if she had just agreed to keep everything the same as before there was no need for this extra stress for the children. Strange thing is the CAFCASS officer who interviewed the children asked my daughters about any abuse or violence they had witnessed and the only thing they remembered was a incident where my ex wife threw a glass of water in my face at the dinner table. Bad advice or just a difficult person?
This was back in 2014 and since then I have been working and travelling the world. During this time, I have made sure that I always came back from wherever I was, to spend my alotted weekends with my children. I have thoroughly enjoyed my time since I moved to various cities in Europe, I have dated lots of beautiful woman across the world many who are still friends today I have rebuilt my life, I have taken a tragic situation and have totally flipped it and turned it into an opportunity for growth and built my confidence and a happy life. Sure I do not get to see my daughters every day but I have been able to practice a lot of selfcare, built up my confidence and found my happiness again.
I had heard about Sara Davison who is known as THE divorce coach. I had a chat with her on the phone and I knew that I had found my calling and enrolled on her Divorce Coach Practitioner program, I am now a full accredited divorce and breakup coach and l am loving life. I have had a number of rebirths and the hardest one for me was my rebirth after divorce but it was the most rewarding. I am now passionate about helping others with their own rebirth after divorce. So get in touch together we can plan your rebirth, you do not have to do it alone.
Contact me now for a free introductory call to see how I can help you.