Divorce Monday: What might dating be like to find love again. Can you save your marriage?

As we roll into the new year it is a time to take stock of what’s working in our lives and what is not. Some of us may want to do dry January (I am) others give up smoking with differing levels of success. However, the first Monday of the year is widely also termed “Divorce Monday”. You may be ready to pull that trigger but here I ask whether divorce is worth it and what its like finding love again after divorce. As a divorce coach and dating after divorce specialist, I have an insight into the divorce journey and rebuilding their lives after divorce.

An extended amount of time at home with family, as in Christmas, can cause issues and highlight your partners shortcomings, however it can and should be a time to come together. As a divorce coach that helps mainly men deal with the fallout for divorce, I hate divorce even though I rely on divorce for my business, as the grass is rarely greener on the other side, sure it can be, but it rarely is if you look at divorce statistics that say that 2^nd and 3^rd marriage are incrementally more likely to fail than first marriages.

I have a bit of an insight into the post-divorce world, not only have I been divorced for nearly ten years with various relationships along the way, but I have also dated 100s of post-divorce women 40 to 50. Not only was I looking for a partner, but I was also doing research as a divorce coach and a dating after divorce coach for men. During this journey I learned a great deal about people but most of all about myself and what I wanted and did not want and that having something too serious was very scary for many years.

Not only did I study the dating scene and relationships. I also met some wonderful, albeit disillusioned divorcees and singles along the way. The other category was the never married career women, who have been struggling to find a partner after prioritising their careers and living that Sex and the city lifestyle through their 20s and 30s and beyond in some cases.

What does this all mean for the single men and women today that find themselves single after a long marriage? Well dating has changed a lot since they last dated, in the last 10 years it has changed so much and the rules have changed it seems.

The advent of dating apps such as Tinder, Hinge or bumble have made it easier to meet people but have made it harder to find real relationships. In the advent of social media and dating apps that many are looking for perfection or someone that ticks almost all your boxes and on top of that all allusive sparks.

In the old days we would have met someone, and we would have invested time to get to know them, sure they may not be perfect, but we overlooked these things as minor, and we invested time to get to know them better, looked for the best in them and those relationships lasted longer. Today this is not the case, today we meet on apps and then you have a lovely date, and we pinpoint what was not perfect and, on the way, home another match pings up and who may be better looking and so it starts again. This paradox of choice is confusing, when we are given too much choice we fail to make a choice.

Today many of us have become perennial daters and often disgruntled with the dating scene. We look for perfection but rarely find it. Ask any woman or man about the state of the dating market and I am sure you will find out.

I have dated single mothers and those that have no children and the unhappiness in their life decisions is often plain to see. Some have expressed regret, and I can see the pain of when they speak of their ex and how he is happily married again. I think that men today are enjoying dating different women without much commitment, others have checked out of relationships entirely. This all makes it harder for women but easier for men. Women today are more highly educated and have great careers, but this makes the pool of men even smaller. Women tend to want someone in the same socio economic or higher level as themselves, these men are often in short supply.

When we were in our 20s it was the men who had to prove themselves to be worthy of commitment from the women they want, we would buy them gifts and court them in more traditional ways for them to choose us. However as older people the tables have turned somewhat. Sure, older women will get matches and dates but its usually not the type of men they want. A successful man becomes more attractive as they get older as they usually have their lives sorted and are confident and sure of themselves. The dating range for a man of 50 is anything from mid 30s to 50, most men want younger women for obvious reasons. Women of the other hand want someone who is successful and around the same age as them. You can see how that pool is a lot smaller than we imagined.

Do not mistake sexual interest with relationship interest. Many women will get validation from apps and take great pride in how they have matched with much younger men and that they have no problem dating. Now this is fine if all you want is a sexual relationship or a little fun but not if you want committed relationship as they are either not suitable partners or they just want sex. As an older man the dating market is much better than you remember but finding a perfect match is not easy. Many men give up on relationships and some don’t date but others will date just as a part of their social lives, nothing gets too serious whilst they carry on following their hobbies.

The reason for me writing about this is to say the dating market and the obvious things like coparenting and the trauma associated with divorce is sometimes not worth it. Always try and make your marriages work but only if there is not physical and emotional abuse. I am directing this last paragraph at women as 80% of divorces are initiated by women, men do walk away from marriages, but it is rare that they do so.

As a divorce and dating coach I help you navigate both your divorce and when you are ready to start dating so that you do not waste time or money pursuing something that is not suitable or jump into a toxic and damaging relationship. Its not all doom and gloom though I have met many people that have found lasting love through dating apps.