My divorce story and why I became a Divorce Coach
I have had a lifelong interest in psychology. I left school at 16 and ended up working as a builders labourer. I then trained to be a bricklayer a few years later. I then decided the building industry was not for me so I enrolled at University as a mature student at age 24, to study a BSc in psychology. When thinking of what I wanted to study it was obvious, I was interested in human behaviour and the workings of the brain, I always had the feeling I was capable of more and something more fulfilling. I wanted to help people and making people’s lives better in some way.
After graduating I met my now ex-wife, we got married a year later. Life looked very different, I was excited by it. I was now a married man and began to think carefully about my future and the future of my family and how I will create a life and provide for a family. I got a job in the pharmaceutical industry and started to enjoy it, what followed was 20 years working as a freelance contractor as a clinical data manager, I worked across various blue chip pharmaceutical companies in UK and in Europe.
During my time in a contract in Germany where I was flying back every weekend to spend with the family. I spent the evenings teaching myself how to build websites and created a website devoted to my love of rugby. From this sprung a idea that a sports coaching business for children based around rugby. Little Ruggers was born. I started this business from Germany, I started with the website first as I was still learning, then actioned the business when I finished my contract.
I was ambitious for Little Ruggers as I wanted to leave the pharmaceutical industry so that I can spend more time at home with the family. Every time I grew the business, it created more work for my ex as she was the administrator of the business as well as a coach herself. I wanted to employ someone to take some of the administration away from her and help ease tensions at home, but she wanted to do everything so increasing stress on her and she added it to me as a result. This is now a huge lesson for me, if you go into a business with someone, ensure that you all are on the same page and think carefully whether working with your partner is a good idea.
In this time, I reluctantly returned to taking contracts in the pharmaceutical industry. I went back to Germany and came home at weekends for short periods and helped with the business and grew it when I was between contracts. This made me sad and very tired, though looking back I was getting away from an abusive situation where I could do nothing right. Looking back it was probably not the right thing to do but I could not take the abuse and in my mind divorce was not an option.
After 16 years of an often-turbulent marriage and two beautiful daughters, came the day that I could not take it anymore. I was going through a time of considerable growth personally and my now ex-wife was not (Grow together or grow apart). She was a difficult person that had a very turbulent upbringing and was replicating that in our own marriage, I can remember saying to myself that I am turning into her father as I felt she was treating me the same way her mother treated her father, with not too much respect.
Today it is clear to me that I was in an abusive relationship even though I may have not acknowledged it at the time or indeed recognised it. I was often coming home from work wondering what sort of mood that she was going to be in, it felt like I was coming home to take an exam that I was always going to fail. I was walking on eggshells, trying to do everything right, but somehow I could never do anything that was right. I felt unsupported and unappreciated often being called a waste of space.
I still wanted to make the relationship work often at my own detriment. When I finally left to spend a few days at my parents turned out to be forever. She became increasingly angry and got her family involved and in the coming months she had moved the children to Kent some 70 miles away and had emptied the house when I was away in Canada for a short trip.
Then ensued the letters from a very aggressive lawyer and accusations and lies regarding money and hidden assets and accusations of abuse, all false. She had emptied the bank account of the business and left to go to Kent with not only hers and the childrens possessions but everything that was mine also, though 7 years on I do not miss them, I hardly remember what I had, but they are just things. I remember thinking that it turns out that I owned nothing all along. I came back from Canada on the drive back from the airport it was the worst ever tired and wondering what I will find at my house. All I could think of was that my children have been taken away and are now going to be in schools that I have no choice in. Up until this time all I did was to get my children into the best schools in the area. I no longer had any say in anything regarding my children, I was heartbroken.
When I got back, I had to break into my own house and when I walked into my house to see it empty it was heartbreaking. I went upstairs to my daughter’s bedroom and to see it empty, I am not ashamed to admit that I fell to the floor and I broke down.
I tried to get to talk to my daughters as I was desperate to know if they are okay, I could not imagine what they must be going through. However, there was no answer a lot of the time. Now I had to get new furniture for the house and I moved in. The next heartbreak came on Monday morning of the first term of the year, and I heard the children from the school my youngest was at across the road, the eldest had a place at one of the top schools on the country in Hitchin. I was wondering how they must be feeling, are they scared, how I can make things better for them as I knew they were suffering as I have always been a good dad and we are very close even today. They are going to a new school no family no father missing their friends, it was horrible. From the day they moved to Kent, I have had no say in any major decisions.
Suddenly I had a lot of time alone and I spent it reading about divorce and other peoples experiences of divorce, I would spend twelve hours a day researching what I could do, what experiences others are going though and what was possible for me. The rest of the time I spent in the gym, swimming, and sauna where I had friends, they were a god send in this time.
I learned a great deal and immersing myself in divorce forums, it somehow made me feel a little bit better as others had not seen their kids in over a year. I knew my children were safe at least and I think I can still see them every other weekend still. Some of the experiences I read about were devastating, accusations of assault and some fathers had not seen their children for months and sometimes years, some did not even know where they were, and others had gone abroad. Mine had only gone to Kent, its only 1.5 hours away I remember thinking to myself and I felt somewhat better.
The divorce process went on, I wanted to ensure that I still got to see my daughters, my ex was concerned only with money, and I was only concerned with my daughters. I was scared that if I did anything wrong that she would stop me seeing them. So I wanted to get it in a court order. Indeed a few times I did not see my daughters every other weekend as verbally agreed.
In the beginning I had offered her what I thought was over generous in terms of a financial settlement, maybe it was the advice she got, then followed lots of lies about money and stuff used to inflame the situation. So I did what a lot of us do, that is defend my name out of principle, so we went to court twice over finances. Funny thing is that she ended up with less than I offered her if we could do it amicably. A lesson here is don’t fight battles that do not need fighting and always tell the truth it could save money and give yourself a chance of having a working relationship with your ex after all is done and dusted.
The very next day after the financial settlement my ex phoned me wanting to give me the access I was fighting for, which was the same as what we were doing informally anyway. She had insisted on taking it to court saying that I should have less time (every 3 weeks rather than 2 weeks) and bringing up abuse, that was lies. In this process she also took my daughters to be interviewed by CAFCASS, if she had just agreed to keep everything the same as before there was no need for this extra stress for the children. Strange thing is the CAFCASS officer who interviewed the children asked my daughters about any abuse or violence they had witnessed and the only thing they remembered was a incident where my ex wife threw a glass of water in my face at the dinner table. Bad advice or just a difficult person?
This was back in 2014 and since then I have been working and travelling the world. During this time, I have made sure that I always came back from wherever I was, to spend my alotted weekends with my children. I have thoroughly enjoyed my time since I moved to various cities in Europe, I have dated lots of beautiful woman across the world many who are still friends today I have rebuilt my life, I have taken a tragic situation and have totally flipped it and turned it into an opportunity for growth and built my confidence and a happy life. Sure I do not get to see my daughters every day but I have been able to practice a lot of selfcare, built up my confidence and found my happiness again.
I had heard about Sara Davison who is known as THE divorce coach. I had a chat with her on the phone and I knew that I had found my calling and enrolled on her Divorce Coach Practitioner program, I am now a full accredited divorce and breakup coach and l am loving life. I have had a number of rebirths and the hardest one for me was my rebirth after divorce but it was the most rewarding. I am now passionate about helping others with their own rebirth after divorce. So get in touch together we can plan your rebirth, you do not have to do it alone.
Contact me now for a free introductory call to see how I can help you.